It’s my sister’s birthday. It is the day I choose every year to remember my little sister. Although I lost her to depression in the fall of 2005, it is her life and her presence in our lives going forward that I miss- so March 31^st is when my heart gets wrenched and more than likely I will breakdown during the day in recollection. This year I am actually drawn to remember what it has been like to live life without her.

My real thoughts are with another family and more importantly, an older sibling who had a very recent similar loss. I would not attempt to think I understand what they are going through as the circumstances are not similar. However, what is similar is the sudden loss of a younger sibling, a friend, who shared so many similarities, hobbies, interests, etc.

Crushed

My thoughts go back to 2005 and the years following the loss of my sister. I felt like I walked around with a sympathy tag, but at the same time I put up a pretty solid wall of confidence. The bottom-line: I was damaged inside and every day something reminded me that Pam was not a part of my life anymore. My parent’s kept her cell phone active for several months and I would call it to hear her voicemail for comfort. I had to turn-off the radio if certain songs played, since they would bring me to dizziness and tears. Over time, I healed. I had a great group of friends in Virginia Beach that helped me channel my energy into sport and coaching young people. I had an amazing girlfriend (now the mother of our children) who somehow came to me at the right time to partially fill a huge void left by Pam’s departure. It was brutal, and not all the time, but there were moments I was just crushed.

 “Do you have any siblings?”

In the couple years after the loss of Pam, I was young, not married, dating, but still statistically single. More often than I cared for, someone would ask me, “if I had a brother or a sister?” I still remember the first person, Paul, a good friend to this day, who asked me if I had siblings (just two weeks after). We were on a bike ride in Palm Springs, CA. I was so saddened by the thought of answering this question that I slowed to a soft pedal and nearly fell off my bike. For the first year or so, the answer was so terribly difficult that I would dance around it based on how I was feeling. These people did not intend to assault my emotions. I eventually found the words and would attempt to explain her loss without making it too awkward. Looking back, I wish I always had the strength to pull it together and fully explain how amazing she had been and how much I terribly missed her.

Life moves forward minus someone

Over the years, the question about having a sibling seemed to go away, but certain special moments caused sadness. In June 2009, I married Lara, and it was the day those sibling questions seemed to start to disappear. On the way to my wedding, unbeknownst to my friends driving me, I was brought down, almost physically ill with emotion. One of the happiest days of my life, but Pam was not going to be there and it was marked by extreme sadness. The day my daughter Paige was born brought, so much joy. Much like my wedding day, it was both one of the happiest days, but horrible since I did not have Pam there to hold my daughter and share this moment. I am sure there will be many more moments, and in some ways I welcome them. I do want to remember Pam, even if it is sad.

 Affirmation

Therefore, on this day, my sister’s birthday, I again affirm, that I had a sister. She was notably amazing as an athlete, a musician, and a scholar. She was my sounding board, my biggest fan, and my harshest critic. She was modest, yet driven to greatness. I seek to do her proud and remember her for what she did in life and how she lived life. Despite the disappearing chances to tell people about how amazing she was, I will use this opportunity to do so.

 I hope my fellow older sibling finds similar solace, but I know it will not be easy at all. My thoughts are with her and her family.